Mr. X: “April, Why are you being so difficult?”
Me: “This is how I operate”
That’s basically how I react when a person points out my flaws; personality wise. I don’t particularly like it when a person knows me well enough to ask me questions such as:
“Why are you acting so unreasonable right now?”
“Why are you so hard on yourself?”
“Why are you being so BITTER?”
“Why can’t you just accept the truth?”
“Why can’t you give him/her a chance?”
“Why are you sorry all the time?”
“Why are you running away from your emotions?”
“Why are you so insecure?”
I think the big topic of discussion is why I act the way I do. Frankly, the easiest way out of this painful conversation is simply answering them: “this is how I operate, I’m sorry”. It usually puts an end to the interrogation. However, the more I think about it, the more it’s becoming clearer to me that those five simple words have caused me more harm than good. Not only do I come off as a selfish b*tch but more atrociously, I also make myself believe that I, April Pascual, was created in a manner in which people would just have to recognize my limitations; and that often times I can’t accept reality as it is and people should just surrender to that idea and LEAVE ME ALONE. Although this can entirely put a stop to their questioning, this also puts an end to the things I so desperately need to gain like: confidence, trust, openness to love, patience and all other virtues that selfish b*tches don’t possess. Excuse my French. You see, I have a bad habit of running away from things that could potentially hurt me in the long run, emotionally speaking. This has been the culprit to a number of unfortunate events in my life i.e. failed relationships and unresolved issues between friends. As much as I want to change the things that has taken place, I know that i have reaped wisdom from it all and right now that is all that matters to me. I now have a grasp on how irrational I was and how badly I acted in different circumstances. But all this has taken me to this point where I can honestly say; yes I was foolish and downright insane at times but now I know better. It took me a long time to get here but I’m proud that I’ve
reached this point. All this time I’ve been turning tables from anyone who tries to uncover the cobwebs in my life. It’s about time I open up and let them sort it all out. And I’m scared out of my mind.
reached this point. All this time I’ve been turning tables from anyone who tries to uncover the cobwebs in my life. It’s about time I open up and let them sort it all out. And I’m scared out of my mind.
To sum up, well I guess Adele says it better. This is for you, wherever you are.
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